How can I “Take a Stand?”

Taking a stand against domestic violence means speaking up when we see or hear behaviors that contribute to a culture where violence lives.  This could mean trying to stop violence before it starts by promoting healthy relationships and attitudes, supporting survivors of violence when they come forward, or intervening if you see someone acting violently toward another person.  Before you intervene in a situation, think about your personal safety, the safety of others, your relationship with the people involved, and what your options are for intervening.

What kinds of behaviors can normalize domestic violence?

1)     Sexism, or believing gender stereotypes and rigid gender roles.  This includes ideas that believe people of a certain gender are better than another, objectification, and toxic masculinity.  Even sexist jokes help normalize domestic violence.

2)     Victim blaming.  Comments like, “They should have known better,” or “Why didn’t she just leave?” make survivors responsible for ending violence and abuse.  These comments can be very subtle and yet can discourage survivors from seeking support while making it easier for people who abuse to justify their actions.

3)     Normalizing any kind of violence as a normal and acceptable method for resolving a conflict, even when it is only threatened or joked about, can also perpetuate violence in a community. When communities turn a blind eye to any kind of violence, it can communicate apathy toward abuse and enable domestic violence.

How to Take a Stand – Specific Strategies for Intervention

These are some examples of how to take a stand against domestic violence.  Talk with your friends and family about other ways to safely intervene if you see these types of behaviors.

Change Our Culture to No Longer Support Language and Behavior that Normalizes Domestic Violence

1) Refocus the Conversation

This is the least direct approach to intervening as a bystander, by refocusing the conversation away from the offensive comment or person.  The goal is to not give an audience to the comment or person by changing the situation.  This approach can work especially well if you are uncomfortable confronting the offender directly for any reason, like someone in a position of power.  You could ask for the time, ask for directions, make a joke, tell a story, or even spill your drink.  If the comment is toward a specific person, you could take a more direct approach and verbally support the target without addressing the offender.

2) Engage Others in Intervention

In this approach, the goal is to use the situation to promote a new positive perspective for all the bystanders. You can do this by asking the group a question that challenges the idea you think is problematic without directly refuting it.  For example, if a friend or family member makes a victim blaming comment about someone returning to a relationship where there is domestic violence, you could say, “I know it’s easy to ask why victims go back when we hear about domestic violence, but maybe a better question would be why someone would think it’s okay to harm or control someone they love.”

3) A Direct Confrontation

In this case, the bystander approaches the person who made the offending comment and explains why what they said is a problem, or how the comment made the bystander feel. You could choose to confront the situation right away or wait for a moment of privacy with this person. It could also be good to seek the support of another friend, especially if you worry that your approach will not be taken seriously.

Your goal is to make whoever you’re approaching consider, even briefly, why their behavior is problematic with the hope of influencing future behavior.

Support Survivors Who Come Forward

If someone tells you some concerning things about their relationship, here are some helpful responses:

1)                Start by believing them.  You can say things like, “I believe you,” “I’m sorry this happened,” and “I am here for you.”

2)                Be supportive.  This could sound like, “You can tell me as much or as little as you want,” “It’s not your fault,” or “I’m glad you told me.  I’m so proud of you.”

3)                Ask how you can help. You could ask, “What can I do to support you?” or “Do you want me to go with you to the hospital or police station?”

4)                Avoid “why” questions.  Even with the best of intentions, “why” questions can sound accusatory and make survivors blame themselves.

Intervene When Someone is Being Verbally or Physically Violent

If you see someone being violent toward another person, including verbal violence or posturing, you can use these approaches.  They are similar in some ways to interrupting language and behavior that normalizes domestic violence.  Like with any type of intervention, it is important to consider your own safety before intervening, as well as the safety of the survivor and any other people nearby.

1)   Distraction: Distract the person being violent by spilling your change, starting a random conversation with the survivor or another person nearby, or making a scene about something unrelated.

2)   Delegation: Tell someone in authority like a bus driver, security guard, flight attendant, or a store manager and ask if they can help.  You can ask the person being harmed if they want you to call the police, but don’t assume that will feel safe to the survivor.

3)   Delay: If you’re able, check in with the survivor afterward to see if they are okay and how you can help.  Be supportive, and offer them the Saving Grace 24-hour helpline number.

4)   Direct intervention: Directly step in to stop the abuse.  If you decide to do this, be clear and concise, and don’t engage in a discussion with the person being violent.  Only use this approach if it seems unlikely the situation will escalate, and if the person being harmed is physically safe and seems to want someone to speak up.

“Our conversations about abuse should hold the right people responsible (the abusers), and should consider the community-wide responsibility to promote healthy relationships.”

(University of Texas Health Science Center)